The secret of man’s being is not only to live, but to have something to live for. ~ Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky

214 days since a random CT scan detected my first aneurysm. I am still waiting for surgery. I am still waiting for some form of contact from the neurosurgery department that isn't initiated by me. 

I know I am not the only one in that position. I see it time and again on the FB support pages - people who wait much, much longer than they were told they would. It's frustrating, to say the least. 

Certainly, I could live the rest of my life without mine rupturing, but the fact is I know it's there, it explains a lot of the problems I have which were previously unexplained - irritability, anger, exhaustion, headaches - even if the neurosurgery department claims these are not symptoms related to aneurysms. I beg to differ, and so do many others. The US websites are full of survivor stories where people suffer from the exact same symptoms I do, both before and after surgery.  It's pretty logical, to me. There is a growth in my brain which was never intended to fit in there. I'd be surprised if I didn't have symptoms of some kind.

But there's no point belaboring the fact that hospitals - and, in fact, politicians who allocate funding to hospitals - don't see any urgency about something growing in your brain (they might think differently if it was their brain, but I digress). A while ago I wrote a wee poem which expresses my frustration, because writing makes me feel better. Hope you enjoy. 

This thing in my head 

There’s this thing in my head, my doc says it’s small
But I know it’s there so it doesn’t feel small at all.

It’s lying in wait, it could kill me you know –
Or I could grow old and it’ll all be for show.

There’s this thing in my head but no-one can say
If it’s going to burst or happy to stay.

Two CT scans now, an angiogram soon
I’m marching to the neuro guy’s tune.

There’s this thing in my head, I just want it out.
Do you think they’ll move faster if I stand up and shout?

They gave me a brochure, it didn’t say much
I’ve got heaps questions about mortality and such.

There’s this thing in my head but I’ve made up my mind

It’s there, I can’t change it, whatever they find.

My life is for living, I’ve so much to do

So that thing in my head – I’m ignoring you! 

© Louisa R Aug 2013